I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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