I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
