at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
