im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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