Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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