so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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