you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
