he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Oh god it's open bar.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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