It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
