I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
