Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
