youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
