I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
