it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
