I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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