Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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