mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize