i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
