I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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