I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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