also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
