You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
