I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize