seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
