I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
