Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
