so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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