while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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