I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Randomize
