Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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