Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
