We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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