Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
