this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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