whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
