I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
smell my finger.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
