Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
