oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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