I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
