i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
