4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
