ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
