You smell like a Billy Joel song
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
