Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
