there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
