So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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