dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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