dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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