i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
what day is it and did you see me today?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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