I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize