oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I would ride that face into the sunset
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
