we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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