She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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