i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
