he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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