I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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