I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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