Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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