I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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