I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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