he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
