when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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