Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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