allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
