if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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