Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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