this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
